I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
