i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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