My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
