and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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