I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
