Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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