i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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