Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
