Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
a search helicopter?!
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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