I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My vagina just recognized that song.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
