A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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