I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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