your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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