so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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