Can i not drive my cunt home
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
