I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
