Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
