Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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