good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
