Got a toothbrush?
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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