my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
