You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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