Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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