i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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