her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
