I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
