I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
