So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
