I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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