I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
