His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
