I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
