Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Randomize
