my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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