tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
my poor anus
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
