just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
