I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
