sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
