Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
