I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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