Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
people are starting to question the shark bite story
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
