i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Randomize
