2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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