Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
