Can Purell be used as lube?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Someone came in the potted fern
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
