i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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