you guys were way drunker than both of me
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
