can we get nightvision for the apartment?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
