Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
