The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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