im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
